Wednesday, September 1, 2010

His Name Is Fat


I have a friend named, Fat. He thinks he is my boyfriend because he is always hanging around. Last night I dreamed I lost Fat, but I woke up and Fat is still with me. Fat is attached to me like glue in your shoe and cannot leave me. I feel so loved. Fat loves me so much. There is a major problem. I do not care for Fat. He hangs around me at all time. He makes me physically tired. I wish Fat would just get lost.
I have joined Weight Watchers so many times I think they may have considered nailing my name on the door. It’s a place that has weekly meetings and they always have you step on the scale. Fat always went with me to the meetings, and would step on the scale with me. After the weighing-in of us dreamers, they would hold a meeting. First they would call out everybody’s name and announce which ones had a weight loss so everybody could applaud them. The ones that had no weight loss would always turn a bright green-with-envy color. I had a permanent green neon glow about me. I always envied all the ones that had success.

My sister-in-law, Marge, actually wore a paper dress to one of the meetings so she would weigh less. That is a true story, Wayne and Rita. (In case you read this) They couldn’t even conduct a proper meeting that time because they couldn’t get past the paper dress issue. It just wasn’t fair to the rest of us. It really was hilarious. Fat has been through a lot of ups and downs, but always hanging on for dear life.

One time we went to a hypnosis meeting. I guess that is what it was called. I think Fat really enjoyed that one. He just snuggled up to me as we went through the relaxing and breathing in and out. Is there any other way to breathe? That was an absolute waste of time and expectations. Not a single thing was gained by attending that farce and nothing lost by it either.
Back in the years before drugs became so fashionable, the doctors would give you diet pills that actually worked. Not only did they cut off the appetite they sped you up like a rocket headed for the moon. You could clean the house from top to bottom, mow the lawn, trim the trees in the backyard, and haul the branches to the dump without the aid of a truck of course. You had an unlimited amount of refills on the prescription. Life was fun back then until the doctor noticed that Fat was no longer hanging around, he decided the pills were no longer needed.

I gave up on all those gimmicks. I once asked the doctor if he thought I had an under active thyroid. He didn’t think so, but said I might have an over active fork. The doctors today have no sympathy for you. Their advice is to start eating the right kind of food and get your butt off of the recliner and walk around the block a couple times. I just can’t get Fat to cooperate with me so it isn’t my fault that I can’t lose him. Fat is in the cartoon looking on.

10 comments:

Cora said...

Oh My the paper dress is a riot. I have a doctors appointment next week you think she would admit me to the psych ward if I show up in paper clothes :D

Lorrene said...

Oh if you act natural, she might not even notice.

babbler said...

Lorrene! I loved your story! I have been a somewhat plump slug all my life, but recently I have been going out for long walks, er, slides, with my Mr. Slug, which we greatly enjoy. I laughed out loud about the under active thyroid and the over active fork! Keep getting yourself out of the chair on on to the sidewalk and you will likely feel better even if you are not seeing yourself get slimmer. I am rooting for you! Love, Mrs. Slug

Anonymous said...

Hey Aunt Lorrene,I remember mom wearing the paper dress cause I was there. It was at her Tops(take off pounds sensibly) meeting I went every week with her. I think I have some picture of her and I there. The women there were crazy they would striped down to their bra and panties just to weigh. It was at the YWCA In Yakima. The night she wore the paper dress whenn we left it was raining hard and we were parked a few blocks away and mom found out that paper dresses weren't made for rain.

Lorrene said...

I remember the meeting. I have been to so many of them I forgot that it was Tops. I wonder if Tops is still around.

Anonymous said...

That was too funny. I never thought of someone stocking us like Mr.Fat. I remenber your over active fork that you wrote about in one of Moms letters. I laught so hard over the fork and now Mr. Fat. lov Sis

Rosanne said...

Well, I'm a bit jealous as I thought Fat was loyal to me - it appears he has been cheating all these years with you! Or maybe, it's his identical twin that resides with me in PA. Have a great day Lorraine -- love all your stories :o)

Rosemary Clark said...

Love the paper dress story. I remember going for a haircut right before going to weigh in once, in hopes that an ounce might help.

When I think of all the mental and emotional energy I have wasted through the years being preoccupied with dieting, it just feels obscene.

ivANA said...

i had the same issue with my fat friend that doesnt wants to leave me alone

Aparana Pitale said...

ha ha.. that was hilarious...
im saved, i don't have any Fat Friend yet... :)