A Rerun of Big Bad wolf

Save it for Last

Senior retirement homes should be called Half-Way houses because that is what they are, half of a house, half as many rooms, a bathroom in half the space, half a kitchen if any at all, a living room with enough room for a chair with a TV in front of it, half a closet. No front porch, patio, lawn, garage or flower bed. When you graduate from that, you go to The Senior Hotel. You have rooms and hallways, and valets and maids to turn your bed down at night. You even have maids to help with the bath. Meal time is fine dining with all your friends, served tomato soup with delicious cat food sandwiches. Who could ask for more?

Not many can afford this fine living, it is not cheap, it runs around $50000 or more a year. You work a lifetime to pay for a home so you will have something to bequeath to The Senior Hotel.

 That is the  long and short of it, but it isn't all gloom and doom.

Now for a few words about the teens.

Teens have a lingo all of their own,

and they always have.

Adults:                                          Teen:

Call or phone                                Text

Visit                                              Hang out

Aced it                                          Smacked it

Old or antique                              Teek

Good friend                                  We’re tight

Not going steady                           Single

Clean your room                          It’s not dirty

Back On The Farm

The following story is a rerun from years ago. 

I recall an incident that happened back on the farm where I grew up. Grandpa lived with us since Grandma had passed on. Our Daddy was the preacher of the little country church. It was a very devout household and we learned very early on that there was a code of ethics that you lived up to or else. Bad words were on the top of that list. No bad words. Us kids soon learned to follow that rule, but Grandpa just didn't seem to get the message. I don't think he really gave a gosh darn about the rule because he used them all the time. One time he hooked up a team of horses to a wagon and went to a field. I don’t remember what he was doing, but it doesn't matter. When he started back to the barn the horses got spooked over something and had a run-away, they took off like flying rockets over ruts and brambles and kicking up clouds of dust a mile high, and the wagon looked like an air born missile. Some of us kids were outside and saw them coming in our direction. We were worried that Grandpa had been thrown out and may be hurt bad because we couldn't see him in the wagon. We didn't know how we were going to get the horses stopped. We thought they might even run over us. Well, not to worry, horses are smart because when they saw the house they came to a screeching halt almost at our back door. I don’t know for sure how horses think, but I think they must have thought they were safe now that they were in their own back yard, or maybe they thought the fly that had been chasing them, was no longer a threat. We've got to go find Grandpa! About the time we were talking about finding Grandpa, he managed to pull himself up and was standing in the bed of the wagon. This is the point when he began to badmouth the horses with some more of those forbidden bad words. There were some words that our tender young ears had never heard before, he finally ended it with, "I see we finally got here." Maybe you would need to be there to get the humor of it, but we thought that was about the funniest line we had ever heard so we began to snicker and chuckle a little. At the same time Grandpa climbed out of the wagon and staggered around in front of the horses and begin shouting those same words to the horses again, in case they had not heard him the first time. He had raised his voice to a full roar. By now we had collapsed into a full-blown laugh seizure. We were laughing so hard we couldn't stand up. I guess Grandpa must have noticed this because, all at once, he turned his verbal abuse from the horses to us. Grandpa sure knew how to take the humor out of something because we snapped to attention and things began to simmer down and it was back to normal. Grandpa was just having a bad day. 

Dieter's Psalm

I found this Dieter’s Psalm, and I revamped it a little to fit my assessment of the situation.  

DIETER'S PSALM

Strict is my diet. I must not want.

It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.

It leadeth me past the candy aisle. 

It trieth my willpower.

It leadeth me in the path of starvation

for my fattened hippy state. 

Yea, though I walk through the aisles

of the pastry department, I will

buy no sweetrolls for they will

fatten thee.

The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.

Carb’s begat carb’s, ye must do without.

Tis the unpardonable sin, thou shalt not let in.

Before me is a table set with green beans 

and lettuce, and spinach for dessert. 

Filleth thy stomach with liquids,

The day's quota runneth oer.

 surely calorie and weight charts will

follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

                         AMEN

A Little Humor

This sort of struck me as funny. 




Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"


The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

This Crazy World

Now when we shop for groceries, everything has a label about how many calories, carbs, four different types of fat, protein, fiber, sugars, and sodium. It also tells how many servings in a container. A serving is one half cup.  PALEEEEES !  How many people eat just one half cup of anything?  Now, you need to multiply and divide and calculate.  My Parakeet, if I had one, eats more than that at a sitting.  It’s not enough to dirty up your mouth over.  How about buying one of those packaged up foods. The picture looks delicious and it has servings for four. I open it up and since I’m on this strict diet, I will get to eat the whole box. Honestly!
  
If that isn’t enough to raise your blood levels, watch an hour of Dr Phil.  He had a lady on his program that sadly, truly needs to be reprogrammed. She doesn’t believe there is a problem. She has had so many bust transplants, implants or stretches, she now wears a size K bra. She wants to be an L. A doctor on the program said they go all the way to a Z.  Can you imagine how it would feel to have two mammoth round watermelons stuck to the front of your bosom? How does she sleep? If she accidentally rolled over on her stomach, she would probably bounce out of bed.  She could use them as a shelf to set her coffee on. Men, with small brains and too much money, pay her, just because. So she is being paid. Somebody has to pay for all that surgery and her custom made clothes.  Oh well, whatever turns your burner on. 

The Tea Party

A Hen Party

where they serve wine

As a young one, and newly married, I found life somewhat boring. My neighbor invited me to go with her to an afternoon party. It was called a tea party, she said.  It’s just a bunch of friends and neighbors getting together for card games and monopoly. I asked if she was sure it would be okay because I had not received an invitation. She assured me that it was fine because her sister was having the party and she could take anyone she wanted to.  So we went to the party.  They had card tables set up and cards and games and women were already playing cards when we arrived. It seems the drink of choice that afternoon was wine and not tea. I don’t recall even seeing a teapot.  I wasn’t too keen on drinking wine, but I didn’t want to come across looking like a geek, so they served me a drink of wine. It was horrible, but I kept sipping on it.  The music came on and the laughing kept getting louder and louder. Someone refilled my empty glass, so I sipped on it. The card games did not seem very serious to me. Someone refilled my glass. As time wore on, I also began to see the humor in everything. Someone had refilled my glass. We had so much fun that day. I finally realized it was time to go home. My husband would be coming home from work and I had to get there before he did. I didn’t think he needed to know what I had been doing. The party was breaking up and she took me home. My husband came home on schedule that day.  I’m trying hard to act and look as normal as I could, but the wine had turned me into a cackling hyena.  When he told me there had been a traffic jam at First street and Lincoln Ave, I went into hysterics. He said, “that isn’t funny, what’s the matter with you?” I told him it was the way he said it that made it funny.  Now, I thought I had said something extremely funny, so I laughed real hard again. It was at this point, he gave me the breathalyzer test, meaning he took a sniff of my breath.  “What the hell have you been drinking?” he asked.  I told him that I had gone to a tea party, and had been drinking a little tea.  This was followed with more peals of laughter.  He said he suspected someone had spiked the tea. So I cracked up again, I thought he was hilarious. He then got into police-mode and began to grill me. Where was this party? Who drove you to the party? Who drove you home from the party? Who was at this party? I answered all the questions between spasms of laughter. I fell asleep on the couch. I have this old diary, a journal of my memoirs.    

Serves him right

Don't take your Doll to town.

You should know it’s going to be a bad day when you take your life-size doll to work for “show and tell”.  I’m guessing that’s why he had the doll in the passenger seat. He told the trooper, he was not using the doll as a fake passenger.
The following was in our Yakima Herald newspaper this morning.


Driver with doll passenger cuts off trooper.


Renton: Strapping a life-size doll into the passenger seat can be a high-risk strategy to gain access to a carpool lane.  It gets even riskier if you cut off a state trooper in traffic.
  The Washington State Patrol said a trooper had to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting a car that cut in front of him to enter the carpool lane during morning rush hour traffic on northbound Interstate 405 in the Renton area.
   Capt. Rob Huss says when the trooper pulled the car over for an unsafe lane change he found that the front seat “passenger’ was an inflatable life-size doll wearing a sweatshirt.
   The 21-year-old man behind the wheel assured the trooper that he was a good driver and not using the doll as a fake passenger. He still got a $248 ticket last Friday for a carpool lane violation and an unsafe lane change.

Gotcha !!!

One time about six months or so ago, I was having a conversation with Chris and I told her that I still call Oriental people ‘Orientals’ instead of Asians. She said I should call them Asian because her daughter that lives over by Seattle said if you say Oriental over that way people will think you are talking about a rug. Well, I tucked that little piece of information in the back of my brain somewhere. Now we go forward about six months and Chris and I was texting about the medical place we both go to and she wanted to know which doctor I go to. I texted her back and said I couldn’t think of his name, but he is a rug.  She had forgotten our previous conversation and was racking her brain and had Kenny racking his brain and they could not figure out what I meant so she texted me back and asked.  We laughed about it and then forgot it. 


Now lets fast forward another three months and I have a text message on my phone this morning from Chris and I knew she was on a shuttle bus on the way to Seattle or Issaquah or one of those foreign places. This is the text:
There are two RUGS in the seat ahead of me…….and they are on the phone speaking RUG !!!!
Now you must remember my memory is getting shorter by the day, and I honestly could not figure out what in the Sam hill she was talking about. I thought she had slipped over the edge and I saw it coming. All of a sudden my brain must have hit a speed bump because I remembered. Well, she got me good. Gotcha !!!  Now it’s my turn. 

Ghostly Things

This is the day I got my B12 Shot/Weigh-in. I didn’t dig my heels in quite so much when they dragged me to the scale. I lost the four pounds that I had gained the last time. Two steps forward and two steps backward. Who can tell if an elephant loses four pounds. So it’s not much consolation. 
I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when this presidential election is over. My other choice is to turn the TV off. 


What do you think about those that can talk to the dead? They never say what they do and what it’s like where they are. That’s what I want to know. I’ve tried talking to those dead people and they just ignore me. Maybe they are too dead to lift their head. 
I have a ton of friends over there and they never tell me anything. My husband never answers my questions either, he just ignores me. Some things never change. Oh, I’m just kidding so don’t get on my case about being disrespectful. 
When you write a blog you have to come up with something. I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. I have had this blog since 08/07 and this is my 508th post, so no wonder I have run out of anything to talk about. Sometimes I consider just shutting it down, but what if I thought of something to say and didn't have a blog. There is nobody around here to talk to. When I had my dog, she would sometimes bark at the corner in the living room, and I always thought, “I wonder who that is”. One of those long lost dead friends I supposed. Or it could be a member of the family. Now when they come to visit I never know because they won’t speak up. And if they did I would have a heart attack and join them on the other side. 

Story Of My Life

Story of My Life

I walk the treadmill a mile a day

hoping the fat will go away,

but all I ever lose is weight from my feet

Never an ounce comes off my seat !!

Winter has arrived, you don’t need to look at a calendar to confirm it. There is plenty of snow, icicles and slick streets.  It sure takes away the desire to go some place. 
Every time I go to get my Vitamin B12 shot, which is every two weeks, they drag me to the scale the first thing. They are waiting for me at the door so they can weigh me. It has to be done immediately.  I just grit my teeth and take it. They have this big new scale and it must have cost a mint and they want to get their moneys worth. 
I decided I would give them a little surprise so I put myself on a diet. I didn't weigh at home, but I knew I had lost about 5 or 6 lbs. I always lose weight the first couple weeks of a diet. I couldn't wait for the big Weigh-In. I breezed through that door like a butterfly that morning. There she was waiting for me and we know where the scale is, I step on that scale and watched the digital read out and I could not believe my eyes, I had gained 4 pounds. I am not kidding and I am not making it up. I am even crying about it. Four pounds! I must be retaining water. I know I’m not retaining donuts, because I haven’t been eating any.  
Maybe I am getting too much salt because I think that can cause water retention so I asked my sister to give me the name of that salt substitute she uses. It is called NoSalt. So I went to a store to buy some and it was $7.49 for 11 ozs. It must have gold nuggets mixed into it. I bought it and the next time I went to Wal-Mart I priced it there and it was for $5.00 and something. That is just ridiculous that it should be so expensive. 

I am on this low salt diet and if that doesn’t work I guess nothing will. The low salt did help one thing. My blood pressure is always higher than it should be even though I take blood pressure medicine.  The other day it was normal for the first time in a long time. So I think I will continue the low salt trick. I don’t know if I have lost any weight or not. I’ll find out Tuesday, if I can get through the snow and ice. I better be there because it’s important that they weigh me. 

Save Money Now

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap...
I'll see you on the bus!

Somebody sent this to me in the mail and thought I would share.

Pain Killer

When everything goes wrong and you can’t stand the pain anymore go to the hospital and they will take care of it for you. My DIL fell and hurt her back. The pain was so bad she went to ER. They took care of the pain and gave her pain medicine that made her so sick she had to go back and get something to stop the nausea. They tried so I give them E for effort. 

So Be Good

Even Snowmen have something to protest.

For so many years life ran rather smoothly, but that has all changed. All you hear are price cuts, cutting back, raising rates, tax increases, lay offs, bankruptcies and all those negative things.

 

Keep your smile smiling, a white-bearded plump man in a red suit is coming to town and he may bring gifts if we are good. 

I get so bored

Winter and Other Headaches.

Today it decided to snow some more. I think it's because I had a medical appointment with  a  pain clinic at 9:15. I left the house about 45 minutes early because the streets looked very icy. The streets were somewhat icy, but we have a wonderful street crew in this town. They get out early and start spreading the sand/deicer. It's very much appreciated. By the time I got out of the place, the sun was out and the streets were clear, but wet. I can handle wet.
I was so early, I told the man next to me in the waiting room that I was prepared to camp out there for a long while. I no sooner got the words out of my mouth and I heard my name. I looked around to see who had the same name as me. Then she repeated it with my last name. "Do miracles ever cease" I said to myself. They have a blood pressure machine that almost squeezed my arm off. Other than that things went okay.
I was so glad that I didn't have to hang around for a long time because the last shot I had was terrible painful. So I was really dreading it. The shots (they always give me two) Maybe if you buy two, you get one for free. Anyway the shots today were not nearly as painful as the last time. The doctor is either getting better or I'm getting tougher. That's all the news in my town.

What Makes People Tick

A judge arrested for DUI.  He will soon be back on the bench judging other DUI people.
He’ll have sympathy for them now because he has walked in their shoes. Just who we need in our judicial system, somebody who has been there.

A mother murdered her 13-month old baby with her bare hands because he would not stop crying. She won that round, he won’t cry anymore. People that have anger problems and uncontrolled temper issues should have themselves sterilized. The going trend seems to be, if you have killed your child just throw him in the weeds some place and tell authorities he was kidnapped. 

A man fires a semiautomatic rifle at the White House. Ingenious thought out plan. He can spend a little time in prison contemplating what he could have done differently. He believed attacking the White House was part of a personal mission from God. Well, think again Bubba, if God wanted the White House attacked he wouldn’t need your help.

Now that takes me to Herman Cain. God convinced him to enter the race for president, but God must have forgotten about all those women that were sexually harassed. Or maybe they are just making it up. Stick to your guns Herman, they can’t prove anything.

And then there was Penn State. Thank God, the victims are finally being heard.  Does it seem strange to anyone that so many pedophiles, scammers, and cheating swindlers are being exposed. It’s about time. What makes people tick?

Stuff Happen

Stuff happens. I was reclined in my recliner when out of the blue a big brown spider found his way upon the arm of my chair. We eyeballed each other for a nano-second. I leaped out of my chair without the aid of the chair lift, walker, cane or any of those aids for the disabled. I made three giant leaps through the living room, kitchen and utility room, where I found the fly slayer. I returned very cautiously. That spider was on death row, he just didn’t realize it, or maybe he did because he was now on the lam. He had taken a hike so I decided to wait him out. Sure enough here he comes again. He is on the arm of another chair this time. I grab the swatter, take aim and swat, but I didn’t have a very good bead on him and it just knocked him across the room. At least he will have a good headache. I got up to look for him and there he was, just lying there, waiting for his doom very motionless. I took care of his doom. Bam! Bam! Bam! I wanted to make sure he was dead as possible and while I was beating him up I heard a ping sound against the wall. I had begun to calm down a little so I gingerly step over and bend down to get a better look and it was a little brown rock. The spider is still on the lam.   

Things I Learned in Bible Study

Things you learn in Bible Study are very useful. Don't cut salt completely out of your diet or you may start getting cramps in your legs or fingers. I learned this when I was going to Bible Study years ago. Everybody would talk about the latest thing that was happening in their lives. One lady was a nurse. She said her daughter had decided salt was bad for her so she completely left it out of her diet. The daughter had put herself and her husband on a nothing but oatmeal diet.  One day her fingers started cramping so badly they would cross and she would have to pry them apart. She called her mother (The Nurse) in a panic and asked if she knew what was wrong and her mother said, "Are you still on that salt free diet? You need to start eating some salt."
So that is what I learned at bible study that day. A little salt will go a long way.
At another meeting one of the ladies said she heard of somebody that had died from a lethal combination of gas and uncontrollable laughing. By the time we visualized that one, we were all suffering from uncontrollable laughter. The nurse said she doubted if it actually happened.
One day a lady said they decided it was time to pick their pears and discovered somebody had already picked them. They also took them.  They only had one lonely Pear tree in the front yard.
I’m still thinking it might be wonderful to have a husband that would eat oatmeal three times a day and never gripe about it. Or maybe not.

The Gift

I just had a great pre birthday get together. Karen and Dennis (daughter and Turkey-in-law) and Katie came over from Tacoma to honor my birthday. I received some very nice gifts of which I am very grateful for, but Turkey-in-law always gets me something to show his true feelings for me. Usually it’s some version of a Witch or something just as insulting. This year he gave me a toilet seat !!!. He told Laura on the phone that he gave me a toilet seat for my birthday and she said, “Dad, that was a crappy thing to give Grandma for her birthday”. Happy Birthday to me……….
Anyway it was a great day and he also took us all out to dinner at the Black Angus. We ate heartily.
I thank my son-in-law very much for his thoughtfulness and the toilet seat and all the other things he bought for me.