Reasons for Dropping out of Church

 

One couple attended morning church very faithfully. She was wheel chair bound, and her husband would push the chair. One morning as they were going down the sloped aisle to their pew, the husband became distracted, and took his hands off the chair momentarily; it took off down the aisle like a speed boat. He realized the mistake and did the 20 yard dash in 3 seconds flat, and saved his wife from crashing into the altar.

They never again returned to church. I watched for his obituary after that, but I guess she didn’t kill him.

One time a woman was strolling down the aisle with the tail of her dress caught up in her underwear. Finally a lady leaped from her seat and did the 10 foot distance in one enormous giant flying step, and pulled her dress down for her. The lady with the dress problem never came to church after that.

One time a Good Samaritan volunteered weeks of her time organizing the church library.

Taking each book down, and making sure all books were in the correct order. The next week it was announced that the church would no longer have a library as that area would be included in the children’s nursery. The lady never again set foot in the church.

One time sitting in the pew in front of me was a lady and her teenage son. After the sermon droned on for quite some time the boy leaned over to his mother and in a whisper much louder than he realized asked, “When is that airbag going to finish?” I’m not sure if the teen was ever able to return to church or not.

One time I fell asleep during the sermon, and woke up suddenly when I heard music. Everyone was standing; I jumped to my feet, grabbed my bible, opened it and began singing. I don’t think anyone noticed it was the bible, and not the songbook.  I didn't either at first.

I have been debating whether to name this “Reasons for dropping out of church”

or “Things I miss about church”.

True Story

 Years ago when I first became elderly, and I’ve been elderly most of my life, I had a neighbor, and we were very close friends. We spent hours discussing our fattened condition that sometimes follows into elderly agehood.  We decided we could do something about it, and could start by taking up daily walks. We decided since we get up so early we would start at 4:30 AM. We had a perfect place to walk. It was the parking lot of the Seventh Day Adventist church nearby. It was just behind the local nursing home, and up a small embankment to get into their parking lot. It was still pitch dark, but we felt safe until the morning a car turned into the driveway and came speeding past us to the dumpster. We didn't think we could be seen because of the darkness, but we both felt sudden fear, and just knew it was the ax murderer. The conversation went like this.

Alice:  Look at that cheap skate, putting his garbage in the church dumpster.

Me:  Or is it a body?

She:  Oh Jesus Christ!!! Let’s get the hell outta here!

And so we did, as fast as our chubby little legs would carry us.

After that we went shopping to get our exercise.

A Rerun of Big Bad wolf

Stuff Happen

Stuff happens. I was reclined in my recliner when out of the blue a big brown spider found his way upon the arm of my chair. We eyeballed each other for a nano-second. I leaped out of my chair without the aid of the chair lift, walker, cane or any of those aids for the disabled. I made three giant leaps through the living room, kitchen and utility room, where I found the fly slayer. I returned very cautiously. That spider was on death row, he just didn’t realize it, or maybe he did because he was now on the lam. He had taken a hike so I decided to wait him out. Sure enough here he comes again. He is on the arm of another chair this time. I grab the swatter, take aim and swat, but I didn’t have a very good bead on him and it just knocked him across the room. At least he will have a good headache. I got up to look for him and there he was, just lying there, waiting for his doom very motionless. I took care of his doom. Bam! Bam! Bam! I wanted to make sure he was dead as possible and while I was beating him up I heard a ping sound against the wall. I had begun to calm down a little so I gingerly step over and bend down to get a better look and it was a little brown rock. The spider is still on the lam.   

Cows and Guns

For inexpensive shock treatments just read the daily newspaper. A man was herding cows with his van. Three cows were injured and had to be euthanized. The van became high-centered on top of a cow. He pleaded not guilty to animal cruelty.

In an unrelated case teens were arrested after a shooting. One teen was 13 and I think he fled on his tricycle. They were shooting at a man and missed. In another earlier shooting suspected gang members shot out the window in a car. Flying glass injured somebody. Everyone should wear a bulletproof vest and cows need to carry guns.
On that gloomy note I will sign off and wish you a bullet safe day. Just be thankful you’re not a cow.

Fear Strikes Again

I have a large window in my living room. When sitting in my recliner I can see out very well. One day as I was sitting there I heard a noise and glanced up at the window and a man and woman were standing at my door. I thought the woman was my granddaughter, Deena, so I jump up and opened the door. It was not my granddaughter, but total strangers.
The woman was shaking and trembling all over and I felt instant fear. Then I saw why she was shaking. The man had a gun in her back and she immediately tried to enter my door. I had stepped back enough to get the door closed, but I was unable to lock it because the force on the other side kept it from closing completely. They finally forced their way through the door and I have never been so frightened in my entire life. I was so scared that I woke up immediately.